Google+ Little Bird: November 2012

Saturday, 3 November 2012

How to look like a twat and almost bankrupt yourself.

Today, I thought I might die. It was dark, cold and hard to breathe. My heart was pounding and I couldn't think straight. It was lonely inside that gloomy silk cocoon in which I found myself stuck... Like a complete twat. No, I wasn't trapped in any sort of heroic situation like rescuing a cute puppy from a bloody well. Nope, not me. I was stuck in a fecking bridesmaids dress. Like a champ.

My best friend is getting married and today was bridal dress shopping day (fantastic fun), she looked beautiful, stunning, graceful. I on the other hand did not. She has asked me to be her maid of honour which I am completely thrilled about, I love this girl to pieces and it is such an amazing thing to be a part of.

First bridesmaid dress I tried on, a beautiful dark blue number a size too big with a plunging neck; so it was roomy, comfortable and I felt quite pretty in it.

Dress number 2 however.. did not work so well. The dress was very lavish, elegant, fitted aaannnddd about two sizes too small. Excellent. Operation squeeze into the tiny tiny dress commence....

I tried the good old step into it deal, nope, stupid hips were like 'fuck you tiny dress, you shall not grace us!!', so I resulted in putting it on like a fecking tshirt. Boobs didn't like this too much, but with enough squeezing I got it on (albeit without zipping it up), modelled it and then it was time to remove the bugger.

From Orlaya
I tried to pull it down. Nope. It was having none of that. I tried to pull it up. Nope, boobs decided to go all Gandalf on me 'You shall not passss!!!!!!'. Fuck.
So off with the bra, hands up and I pulled the dress up as hard as I could and that was it, I was stuck, I bent over to try and get gravity involved but nope. There I was, the human wind sock, a stupid silky burrito, bent over like a twat. Great day to wear a thong...

This is the point where the panic kicks in. Do I just put it back on and buy the bastard?! Walk out the shop all nonchalant and pretend all is gravy? 'Yeah, I'll take it, I can totally afford the hundreds of pounds and I like the whole zip down look. Classy'. NO.

I struggled even more, realising I had been quiet for a while and my next dress to try on was waiting. Next thought- do I hulk out of it? Just flex as hard as I can and hang it back up like nothing happened??

Nope, still bent over, looking like a fucking weird tent. 

Took what felt like an eternity to pull this dress millimetre by millimetre over my head. Then I could see light at the end of my dark tunnel and it FINALLY popped off, along with me almost face planting the floor. It was a beautiful moment. Beautiful. Apart from standing wearing only a thong and looking completely dishevelled.


This woman is a fucking genius.

The next dress was so pretty and too big! WIN!


Friday, 2 November 2012

Remember, remember ALL of November

Movember... that, err.. magical time of year where men parade around with fluffy undernoses. Most of them tend to look a little creepy pubescent with essence of bum fluff on their faces, but the lucky few men who can actually grow a tache manage to pull off the 80s pornstar look with style.

In all seriousness, it's for a bloody good cause and is a fun way to raise money for such a strong topic - men's health. Now, the 'C' word scares the absolute shit out of me - no, I don't mean c*nt, that word is spectacular- I mean cancer. A 6 lettered word that seriously freaks me out. 
When I think of cancer I immediately think of breast cancer, is that just how I think as a woman? Or is it the media? I don't think I'm wrong in saying that women's health is perhaps more documented in the media and breast cancer is talked about all the time. I constantly hear stories of women battling the disease and have even had a scare myself but I don't think there is enough awareness regarding men's health.

Prostate cancer is one of the most common cancers diagnosed in men, with testicular cancer also being far too common. Men are useless at going to the doctors, maybe they are too shy, too lazy or just don't think anything is wrong, I'm not sure, but if they knew how simple it is to go and get checked out I bet they would.

Movember is a bloody ace idea. Men grow a moustache in november because it's hilarious, because people think the tache is hilarious they will donate money to see just how stupid the dude will look by the end of the month. The money goes to a men's health charity which both helps research and rehab for the disease and just as important it raises awareness. AWESOME.

So, the ginger one (the boyfriend) approached me and told me he was participating in it this year. At first I was like 'Holy crap I have to be seen with this guy..' but I am insanely proud of him for doing it. His grandad passed away a few months ago after a battle with cancer and I know it profoundly affected him, so in his honour he will sport a ridiculous tache and raise some pennies!

You can donate and watch his progress here:

I can't grow a tache (I know, what a crying shame)... but I do look dam good with one...

Me and sibling 2 years ago


Thursday, 1 November 2012

Wow.. it's been a while

Haven't posted on here in quite some time.... I've been beyond busy, with work and a hectic year so far.

Im going to be completely revamping this thing, new ideas, new content even a new name I reckon. I want it to have more substance and be a lot less material... Intending on making this blog a little bit more of a lifestyle thing, reviewing books, films, talking about the good, the bad and the plain old shitty things in life.

Should be fun

Watch this space....